the state of me

I've been learning some interesting things lately. About me, about what I will accept or not from others. And these things have been changing in the last few years. Some of the things I learned seem significant. At least to me.
I have learned over the last few years that if one allows someone to say or act in a way that demeans who I am then my deep self is reinforced in her belief that I am not good enough or not okay. It is only in the past year that I have become a little better at hearing or seeing the words or actions that are demeaning. So when I defended my beliefs recently it sent the message to my deep self that I am worth defending. Previously I would have told myself that I was just being too sensitive and I should just get over it. Well, I want to say that standing up for one's self or one's beliefs or for the truth is the far better choice. I never got much for the approach in the way of rewards except maybe resentments, which aren't really very rewarding.
This new (and scary) approach brought rewards I was quite unprepared for. It was like my deep self gave me rewards that can only come from that place...a sense of peace that is bone deep (even though I would have had everyone *play nice* and that didn't happen the peace is stunning), and a renewed understanding of just how the truth will set me free. It's not that things worked out as I would have liked. No. Things just worked out and I knew there were issues at stake that are REALLY important to me, so, I took the whole thing to my Higher Power and let her have it. And being really unsure of exactly the right approach I let things play out dealing with each incident as it came up. And then dealing with the ensuing final explosion, well, big pop, anyway when it happened. In truth and honesty if not with flair. And it worked out well. For me and at least one other person. The rest of the characters in this drama will have to continue on to resolution. But I have found resolution for this situation and a practice that brings such peace I do not understand why everyone doesn't do it.

Cause, see, when things come unraveled, as things are wont to do, if one has been truthful and does not have any secrets to guard then one does not care who know what and all. It is freeing to know that I ain't said nothin' what wasn't true and I don't care who knows the truth. Since it is the truth, I'll stand up for it.

And the whole business about defending my Self. That's tricky for me cause it's a new practice. But, i found myself defending my body size, food choices, and social choices. That's not okay. My body size is the right size, my food and social choices are my own to make. And then there was the situation that seemed to be being set up wherein I was supposed to seduce someone who I felt was too fragile for such games (and then, I would be blamed when it went badly). I choose to be respectful and so did she. Cause I think it would have been possibly worse for me than for her. Cause it would have gone against an ethic I think is valid and good.
So, my Self is pleased with me. And this is a unique situation for me. All my parts are happy with each other. Deep Self and Talking Self have been communicating with each other a lot lately and this is a good state of affairs.